Slow and steady... Wins the race! And actually, it's something that I've had to really take on board, and it's a saying that pretty much sums up my entire relationship over the past 9 months. 

I don't fall for people very easily. I have previously been known to completely 'go-off' perfectly eligible suitors because they gave me too-cute pet names or were nothing but too nice to me. I've also had to disappear suddenly on someone because he liked yoghurt too much (I cannot STAND watching people eat yoghurt) and another guy because he breathed too loudly. Mmhm, I know, and I'm ashamed. 

Anyway, what I'm saying is; it takes me quite some time to find someone I can really get in to. But, on the couple of occasions someone has managed to get my attention and stick around for a while, I then switch suddenly from cold to keen, and find myself always rushing ahead in my mind to the 'next stage'.

I don't mean the next stage as in I start expecting proposals, babies, marriages.. but I mean I have previously constantly searched for regular reassurance and verbal confirmation that things are going in the same direction for both of us. I'm not ashamed to say that I used to crave overly-loving goodnight texts and messages to wake up to in the morning, full of mushy and 'forced' words.

In my long-term relationship, I used to tragically fish for compliments all the time just to hear that the man in question was still keen. I think I always wanted to know that they still felt the same about me as they did the day/week/month before rather than just sitting back and enjoying moments together, because perhaps I was always subconsciously aware that I wasn't in a totally secure pairing, even though I gave that person my ALL.

In hindsight, the underlaying problem was the immaturity of the situation; me, and the guy, and the relationship as a whole, and I suppose you learn loads from your first love that you then know never  EVER to repeat. I spent a long time (four years....) being single and working on just being me, and a big part of that was spent repeating to myself in the mirror that I would never give more than I got in return ever again. 

So, with all that said and all being nicely tucked away in my past... I think that (dare I say it?!) for the first time, I might be (eek) in a very realistic, healthy and honest relationship.

It all sort of started without either of us looking for anything serious, so we did have some wobbles about whether it was worth diving into or not. I mean, my wobble lasted about a day (...I'm lying it was about an hour he's literally scrumptious) but he definitely had more soul-searching to do than me.

Usually that would have really panicked me, especially so early in to whatever it was we had, but I stayed calm and explained to him why I thought we could work. He listened to me, and it took him a while to come back to me with the answer I wanted to hear, but I knew that at least he had taken proper time to think about things and had emotionally dealt with whatever came before me so we could start again 'properly'.

And that's one of my favourite things about him; he doesn't say anything in haste and would rather say nothing at all than to blurt out something he doesn't mean. Sometimes I have had to wait days until he fully processes something I've said in a disagreement, but I know that he takes that time 'out' to consider the issue from my point of view before he comes back to me with his side of things, and when he does speak, he's always armed with complete but balanced honesty.

Rather than his texts being packed full of hearts and smileys, he 'checks in on me' regularly to see how my day is, and that's enough to let me know that he's thinking about me. We have grown-up conversations about work, family, and the world around us. Conversations move from serious and emotional to our favourite university memories and most drunken moments without either of us noticing, and we belly laugh together as much as we sit in comfortable silence.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that I've met my equal. He doesn't let me get too comfortable and he'll confront me with a completely opposite opinion if that's how he feels, but he's kind and comforting and insanely supportive of my dreams and career. He doesn't flatter me with false praise  but picks the perfect moments to quietly let me know that he cares about me. We're not rushing ahead, but instead taking the time to properly enjoy milestone moments - our first weekend away, birthdays together and meeting each other's families.

After spending all that time single and rebuilding myself after the biggest (thank-god-it-happened-but-crushing-at-the-time) break-up of my life, I think I can safely say that he's just what I was waiting for and I'm so happy that we bumped into each other when we did.

Lx

All the beauty must-haves for AW15... according to me. (& some random people on the train who were raving about Max Factor Pan Stick while I was fully listening to their whole conversation and staring at their perfect faces. Thanks gals.)

1. Max Factor Pan Stick. Apparently 'not as thick and gunky as you expect' and 'literally the easiest thing to use ever'... 'you just scribble it on your face'. This is currently on my weekend shopping list because honestly, the girls on the train had the most beautifully matte faces and the range of skin shades available (browse here) will suit ALL skin tones. 

2. Oh Maybelline Dream Lumi Touch Concealer how did I live before you? Twist the bottom of this easy applicator pen to load the brush and glide it over your eyebrows arches, imaginary cheekbones, nose and chin for a glow Kim K would be proud of. I hate it when highlighters are too shimmery, but this little number manages to have a soft sheen without looking cheap. Smashed it.

3. This Contouring Brush by Real Techniques is 100% worth getting hold of if, like me, you were blessed with 'cute' chubby cheeks as opposed to womanly, sexy cheekbones. I don't actually own it, but my friend at work does, and after borrowing it to do a last-minute bit of makeup before a meeting the other day, I can fully see myself hunting this beauty down asap. It's only £9.99 in Boots at the moment, which is much more realistic than some of the over-priced competition.

4. So, I've said it before and I'll say it again, but my hair is out of all control. Actually it's out of control 95% of the time where I cannot be bothered to set aside the 2 hours needed to wash, blow-dry and straighten it. Leaving my hair to dry naturally is not an easy option for me, but damaging it with heat styling is the price I pay. Anyway, after lots of market research (see: buying whatever smoothing product was on offer) I found this gem in TK Maxx. Bed Head Blow Dry Lotion is light, easy to use and actually DOES smooth the hair and make blow-drying an all round nicer experience. Most importantly the effects last more than just one day which is a dream.

5. An oldie but a goodie, no mascara will ever come close to Maxfactor 2000 Calorie for me.  It lengthens and thickens without lashes going all spidery and I like that they haven't tried to do anything fancy with the brush. Maxfactor are true advocates of the 'if it 'aint broke don't fix it' mantra and I love that. Unfortunately, in a moment of weakness (and dire financial straits) I panic-purchased Collection Big Fake Curves mascara and I legit hate it. My bad. 

6. Rimmel "Nudes" by Kate Moss. I actually did that awkward thing where you approach someone in the street to ask where something it from. Only because this girl had the nicest nudey-kylie-jennery pout and I couldn't resist, not because I am going to make a habit of being one of those people. Anyway I am now the proud owner of shade 040 Pale Nude and seriously considering pushing the boat out and buying 043 Tan Nude also.

7. PANIC STATIONS I am featuring a nail varnish that ISN'T NUDE. Basically, my long-standing issue with other colours is that once they loose their initial shine, dark colours show up scratches and chips so easily and I really can't abide by less-than-perfect nails. However, OPI have just launched their Infinite Shine collection and my nail guy (haha yep you heard) has persuaded me to try this colour - "Raisin' the Bar" next time I go in. He's pretty in-the-know about great varnishes so I'm going to trust him and give it a go. It's such a gorgeous shade.

Honestly, I know I've said it before, but it's official; I am poorer than I've ever been IN MY LIFE. The slightly more annoying thing is that I have no one to blame but myself. I am poor by choice, after deciding to take the man in my life away for a birthday surprise, and I totally underestimated how much all the little bits add up. Once I'd got flights and accommodation covered (was feeling all smug) things like airport transfers, luggage allowances and day trips started jumping out at me. Anyway, in all honesty I don't regret my decision at all because 1. He absolutely deserves a treat and 2. I get a holiday out of it all.

Here's what I'm wishing for this month..

Missguided Khaki Utility Dress | £30

"You're in your prime!"

Why do people keep saying this to me all the time at the moment? Possibly because they're trying to humour me, reassure me and be too kind while I whinge loudly about my scruffy, tired, dodgy-fake-tanned appearance every day. Or possibly because they actually think it, and I'm not sure which is worse. I instantly feel the need to let people know that I can do better, I CAN put more effort in to my appearance and I CAN look better than this.

We've got a very casual dress code in my office, and boy do I take advantage of that. Today I'm wearing a grey hoody with foundation around the neck and ripped jeans with lentil soup on the leg. (Lentil soup because I'm on a horrific diet which makes me want to dive into a swimming pool of burgers and chips). I went to sleep with wet hair last night because I was just too tired to dry it and I woke up with a tangled nest on my head. So, after sleeping through my alarm, it was forcibly tied into a sort of pineapple bun with straggly bits hanging down around my face and curls sprouting sideways. I was going for shabby chic and it just didn't come together for me.

I swing between the extremes - I either step out of my house looking like a crack addict or I've spent ten hours on the perfect smokey eye, contoured cheeks and poker straight hair. I feel like someone truly in their 'prime' would look effortless, glowing and radiant every day. So, that's that.


"You don't need to have your life totally sorted yet!"

This is probably true. But usually when (older) people give me this advice it's followed by a story about how they were married at 22 and fully immersed in their life-long career by 24. I know times change and they are only saying this to explain how 'that was then'... and I know I'm further ahead than some of my peers, but the pressure I put on myself and the sheer amount of over-thinking I do is just not healthy.

Don't get me wrong here - I don't want to get married, or grow up too quick but I do think it's harder than ever for our generation to enter the world of 'real' adult hood. How are we EVER going to afford a house? Do we have to rent forever? But then, we can't even paint walls or put up shelves and that's so irritating. And if we have to rent forever, we can't even save any money 'for a rainy day' because renting drains every bank account we own. In which case, can we ever risk changing jobs... if we can even find a job when four thousand people apply for every role. If it doesn't work out and we get immediately fired (dramatic, yes), how will we pay our bills? And if everything goes to POT, will our parents accept us back into their homes?!


"I don't think you need to lose weight, BUT...

- a healthier lifestyle will make you feel better about yourself
- it's nice to get more toned and defined
- you might enjoy exercise, it's a good way of meeting new friends
- it will help your energy levels and you'll sleep so well"

These are all really polite ways of saying 'GET YOURSELF TO THE GYM WOMAN'. Sometimes, we all throw the net out there and fish for compliments about ourselves. You know, when you start a conversation with a self-depreciating tone and hope that one of your audience will pick you up with "you're absolutely perfect as you are." This reply doesn't happen for me anymore, and it's definitely been a '26' thing. Reassurance has been so lacking that I spent a good couple of hours Facebook stalking myself to see if I was drastically thinner when I was 25, but I had to conclude that I am much the same. This made me think that it's because I am now OLD, and those around me are worried that if I don't do something now I will spend my 30's / rest of my life obese. Like, maybe they feel I'm on a slippery slope these days and that the weight will just creep on.

Anyway, as mentioned above I have put myself on a diet and booked myself into three-times-weekly Zumba Tone lessons. I've been on the diet a week and a half and do genuinely already feel a little less 'cuddly'. I have to agree with people that being more toned would be a delight, and that a healthier lifestyle can only benefit me, but I wouldn't say I'm someone who will ever 'enjoy' exercise. Maybe it's a middle-aged thing, that exercise suddenly becomes absolutely necessary so that you don't turn into a sofa slug, and up until this point I was winging it. Panic stations.