After a weekend of socialising with people who are ALL sickeningly happily and coupled up (don't get me wrong I literally love these people) I re-downloaded the Tinder app... for the fifth time.

I've got a serious love / hate relationship with it. On the one hand, it's like a really great outlet for my stalker tendencies, especially if the boys on offer have written their Instagram or Twitter handles in the bio bit. That way, I don't have to even 'match' with them before I can learn everything I need to about their lives / ex girlfriends / pets / food tastes / drinking habits.

On the other hand, I find the fun ends as soon as someone actually pops up to speak to me..  hence I've deleted the app so many times now. I know that I've set myself up for this chat by "liking'' them in the first place, but in my opinion, the conversation is so dead before it's even begun. I HATE the small talk of 'so, where do you live" (like, I'm so not going into detail incase you're a psychopath lunatic) and 'why are you on Tinder then?'... I mean, is that not quite obvious?

Also, at the risk of sounding really hideously arrogant, I swear most people can't hold down a normal conversation without attempting some seriously cringe flirting at inappropriate moments, or turning everything into an innuendo. Recently, I was chatting to a guy (no names here) and he asked what I was doing. I replied that I was having a night in with my girls and he seriously asked if we were going to have a pillow fight. No mate, we're not.

Winking smileys, sticky-out-tongue faces and the word 'hun' are an instant turn off, and whilst I'm not saying I want to debate third world debt or American politics, I would like for both of us to speak (type) using proper English and to avoid being called 'babes' - or worse 'bbz' - if at all possible.

If I don't manage to end up talking to a hood rat (pahahaha), I end up talking to a slightly over-keen older guy who wants someone to 'look after' and insists that he 'can't wait to treat me like a princess'. I find this sort of conversation utterly stifling and unbearable. I really don't need someone to baby me and in the end, I need a guy who will stand up to me and say no or I'll take the absolute piss and become a spoilt brat very quickly.

I'm starting to wonder why exactly I've just re-installed Tinder at all actually. The two types of guy I end up chatting to are just entirely not right for me, and I 100% would rather be single than settle.

I've really talked myself out of even giving it a go one last time - and it's just dawned on me that this could be the problem at the base of it all; I expect things to go wrong before they even do. Good grief, I'm doomed.